What Is IFS Therapy? Understanding Parts Work

You may have heard someone say, “That’s just a part of me,” or maybe you’ve come across the term IFS therapy or parts work and wondered what that actually means.

IFS stands for Internal Family Systems. It’s a therapeutic model based on the idea that our minds are made up of different parts, each with their own feelings, beliefs, fears, and ways of trying to protect us.

And if that sounds a little strange at first, I get it.

When I first explain IFS to people, I sometimes see the look on their face that says, Wait… you want me to talk to the different parts of myself?

But the more you learn about IFS, the less strange the idea can feel.

Because most of us already experience ourselves this way.

One part of you might desperately want to speak up, while another part is terrified of being rejected. One part wants to rest, while another is convinced you should be doing more. One part wants intimacy, while another wants to run the other direction the second someone gets too close.

IFS gives us a way to understand these internal conflicts without deciding that one part of you is the “good” part and another is the problem.

What is IFS therapy?

Internal Family Systems therapy is a form of therapy that works with the different parts of ourselves and the relationships between those parts.

Rather than seeing unwanted thoughts, emotions, or behaviors as things we simply need to get rid of, IFS approaches them with curiosity.

The basic idea is that our parts have developed for reasons.

Even the parts of ourselves we really don’t like.

The part that overthinks everything.

The part that gets jealous.

The part that shuts down during conflict.

The part that is incredibly hard on you.

The part that people-pleases.

The part that gets angry.

The part that wants to run away.

The part that can’t stop checking your phone.

The part that keeps you busy so you don’t have to slow down and feel something.

From an IFS perspective, these parts aren’t necessarily broken. They’re often trying to help you in the best way they know how.

Sometimes those strategies are no longer particularly helpful. But that doesn’t mean the part itself is the enemy.

What are “parts” in IFS?

When we talk about parts, we’re not talking about separate personalities.

We’re talking about the different internal experiences that make up our emotional world.

You might notice that different situations bring out very different sides of you.

Maybe you’re confident at work but incredibly self-critical in relationships.

Maybe you can handle a crisis calmly but completely fall apart when someone you love seems distant.

Maybe you know logically that you’re safe, but another part of you feels like something terrible is about to happen.

Or maybe you find yourself doing something over and over again even though another part of you desperately wishes you wouldn’t.

IFS gives us language for these experiences.

Instead of saying:

“Why am I like this?”

we might become curious about:

“What part of me is experiencing this right now?”

That small shift can create a lot more compassion.

Your parts aren’t the problem

This is one of the things I love most about IFS.

We’re often taught to fight against the parts of ourselves we don’t like.

Stop being so anxious.

Stop overthinking.

Stop being jealous.

Stop being so sensitive.

Stop procrastinating.

Stop needing reassurance.

And sometimes we try really hard to do exactly that.

But what happens when you stop treating that part of you like something that needs to be defeated?

What if, instead, you became curious about it?

For example, imagine you have a part that becomes extremely anxious whenever your partner doesn’t respond to a text.

You might initially think:

“I’m being ridiculous. I need to stop being so needy.”

IFS invites us to get curious instead.

What is this anxious part worried might happen?

What does it believe it needs to do to keep you safe?

When did it learn that this was important?

The goal isn’t to shame the part into disappearing.

It’s to understand it.

Because often, there’s a reason a part is doing what it’s doing.

Protective parts

A lot of IFS work involves getting to know the parts of us that have taken on protective roles.

These parts may try to prevent us from experiencing something painful, vulnerable, or threatening.

A perfectionist part might believe that if you do everything correctly, you’ll be less likely to be criticized or rejected.

A people-pleasing part might believe that keeping everyone happy will keep you safe.

A hyper-independent part might believe that relying on other people is dangerous.

An angry part might have learned that anger is safer than vulnerability.

A shut-down part might help you disconnect when something feels overwhelming.

These strategies can make a lot more sense when we understand what they’re protecting us from.

That doesn’t mean we have to keep doing exactly what the part has always done.

It means we can approach it with some compassion rather than immediately trying to get rid of it.

Why do we have these parts?

Our parts develop through our experiences.

The ways we learned to navigate relationships, conflict, rejection, shame, family dynamics, trauma, and other difficult experiences can shape the roles our parts take on.

Sometimes a strategy that made perfect sense at one point in our lives continues long after we actually need it.

For example, maybe being hyper-independent helped you get through a period when you couldn’t rely on anyone else.

Maybe staying small and agreeable helped you avoid conflict growing up.

Maybe constantly monitoring other people’s moods helped you anticipate when something was about to go wrong.

Those strategies may have been useful.

But years later, you might find yourself exhausted by them.

IFS gives us a way to recognize that a part of you may still be trying to protect you based on an old understanding of what is necessary for safety.

That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.

It means there’s a part of you that learned something.

What about Self?

One of the central ideas in IFS is Self.

Self isn’t another part.

It’s the grounded, curious, compassionate place from which we can relate to our parts.

You may have experienced moments of Self without ever calling it that.

It’s the feeling of being able to pause instead of immediately reacting.

It’s the part of you that can be curious about your anger rather than completely consumed by it.

It’s being able to notice, “Something in me is really scared right now,” without deciding that the fear is the entirety of who you are.

In IFS, we aren’t trying to eliminate our parts so that only Self remains.

The goal is more about developing a different relationship with the parts of us that have been working so hard to protect us.

IFS isn’t about getting rid of your emotions

Sometimes people come to therapy hoping to stop feeling something.

They want to stop being anxious.

Stop being jealous.

Stop feeling shame.

Stop getting triggered.

Stop overthinking.

And I completely understand why.

Some emotions and internal experiences can be exhausting.

But IFS isn’t about becoming a person who never feels uncomfortable emotions.

It’s about becoming more curious about what those emotions are communicating and developing more flexibility in how you respond to them.

You don’t have to love every part of yourself.

You don’t even have to like what a part is doing.

You can start by becoming curious about why it’s there.

IFS and trauma

IFS can be particularly useful when we’re working with trauma because trauma can leave parts of us carrying beliefs, emotions, or protective strategies that developed during difficult experiences.

Sometimes a part of you knows, intellectually, that you’re safe now.

Another part hasn’t gotten that message yet.

You might understand that a relationship is healthy while another part is constantly waiting for abandonment.

You might know that you’re allowed to set boundaries while another part is terrified of disappointing someone.

You might want intimacy while another part of you becomes overwhelmed when someone gets too close.

These internal conflicts can be confusing when we think of ourselves as one unified experience.

They can make more sense when we recognize that different parts of us may be responding to different information.

And this is one reason IFS can feel different from simply talking through what happened in the past.

We’re not only trying to understand your history.

We’re interested in understanding what is happening inside you now—and getting curious about the parts of you that are still carrying those experiences.

What can IFS therapy help with?

IFS can be used for many different concerns, including:

• Trauma and complex trauma

• Anxiety and emotional overwhelm

• Shame and self-criticism

• Relationship patterns

• Attachment-related concerns

• Sexual shame and intimacy concerns

• Difficulty setting boundaries

• People-pleasing

• Perfectionism

• Jealousy

• Emotional reactivity

• Feeling stuck in patterns you understand intellectually but can’t seem to change

For me, IFS is especially meaningful because it can be woven into work around trauma, sexuality, relationships, and intimacy.

A part of you that becomes anxious in a relationship may be connected to an old wound.

A part that feels shame around sex may have learned that certain desires or needs weren’t okay.

A part that struggles with vulnerability may have very good reasons for wanting to keep you protected.

We don’t have to assume those parts are the problem.

We can get curious about them.

Is IFS therapy right for you?

IFS isn’t necessarily the right fit for everyone, and you don’t need to know whether it’s right for you before reaching out.

If you’re someone who has spent a lot of time understanding why you do what you do but still feels stuck in the same patterns, you might find the parts-work approach helpful.

You don’t have to be good at meditation.

You don’t have to visualize things perfectly.

You don’t need to know all of your parts before starting.

And you certainly don’t need to have your entire internal system figured out.

That’s part of what therapy is for.

If you’d like to get a better sense of what IFS therapy actually looks like in practice, I wrote more about that here: What Does IFS Therapy Actually Look Like?

IFS therapy with me

I use IFS and parts work extensively in my therapy practice, particularly when working with trauma, sexuality, relationships, shame, and patterns that feel difficult to change through insight alone.

My approach isn’t about forcing a part to change or convincing you that you shouldn’t feel the way you feel.

Instead, I want to help you become curious about what’s happening inside you, understand the parts that are trying to protect you, and develop a different relationship with those parts over time.

Sometimes the part we most want to get rid of is actually the part that’s been working the hardest to keep us safe.

And it may have a lot more to tell us than we initially realized.

Ready to Explore IFS Therapy?

You don’t need to know exactly which parts are showing up—or even know whether IFS is the right approach for you—to reach out.

If you’re interested in exploring IFS therapy for trauma, relationships, sexuality, shame, or patterns you’re ready to understand differently, you can schedule a consultation to talk about what you’re looking for and see whether we’d be a good fit.