What Does IFS Therapy Actually Look Like?

If you've been researching Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, you may have come across descriptions of "parts," Self, protectors, exiles, and the idea that we all have an internal system.

But what does that actually mean when you sit down with an IFS therapist?

Are you going to spend the entire session talking to different parts of yourself? Do you have to be able to visualize your parts? Do you have to know exactly what happened in your childhood? And what happens if you don't even know what your parts are?

These are all reasonable questions.

The good news is that you don't need to come into IFS therapy already knowing how to do IFS. You don't need to have identified all of your parts or understand the IFS model. That's something we can explore together.

First, We Talk About Why You're Here

IFS therapy isn't traditional talk therapy.

There may be some talking at the beginning of therapy so I can understand what brings you in, what you're struggling with, and what you're hoping will be different. But I don't want us to spend the entire session talking about you.

Most of us already spend a lot of time in our heads.

We think about why we feel the way we do. We analyze our childhoods. We replay conversations. We try to figure out why we keep doing the things we do. We read about attachment styles and trauma responses and relationship patterns and try to understand ourselves a little better.

Insight can be helpful. But understanding something intellectually isn't always the same thing as experiencing change.

One of the things I love about IFS is that it gives us an opportunity to move out of analysis and into direct experience.

Rather than continuing to talk about the anxious part of you, the critical part of you, or the part that is terrified of being abandoned, we can actually slow down and listen to that part.

What is happening inside you right now?

Where do you notice it in your body?

What does this part feel like?

What does it want you to know?

What is it afraid might happen?

There can be a lot of wisdom in the answers that come from this inward attention.

So while I'll want to understand your story and what you're hoping to work on, I also want to help you tune inward and into your body as quickly as it makes sense to do so.

That's where IFS starts to feel very different from simply talking through your problems.

So... What Is a "Part"?

One of the easiest ways to understand IFS is to think about the different sides of yourself that show up in different situations.

Maybe there's a part of you that wants to speak up and another part that immediately worries about what everyone will think.

Maybe one part desperately wants closeness in relationships while another part wants to run away when someone gets too close.

Maybe there's a part that is incredibly hard on you when you make a mistake.

Or a part that says, "Don't trust anyone."

Or a part that wants to have sex while another part feels ashamed about wanting it.

These aren't necessarily contradictions that mean something is wrong with you.

They're parts of you.

And most of us have them.

IFS gives us a way to become curious about these different internal experiences instead of immediately judging, suppressing, or trying to get rid of them.

We Don't Try to Get Rid of Your Parts

This is one of the things I love most about IFS.

The goal isn't to eliminate the anxious part.

Or silence your inner critic.

Or get rid of jealousy.

Or force yourself to stop being afraid.

Instead, we get curious about what that part is doing and why.

A part that is extremely critical of you may actually be trying to protect you from rejection or failure.

A jealous part may be trying to protect you from being replaced, abandoned, or hurt.

A part that wants to keep everyone happy may have learned that staying agreeable was a good way to maintain safety or connection.

That doesn't mean the behavior is always helpful.

It means there's probably a reason the part is doing what it's doing.

Rather than asking, "How do I make this part stop?" we might ask, "What is this part worried would happen if it stopped?"

That shift can be surprisingly powerful.

What Happens During an IFS Therapy Session?

There isn't one exact script for an IFS therapy session.

But generally, we're not trying to spend the entire hour talking about what happened during your week.

We might start with something that is currently bothering you or a pattern you're noticing. But rather than staying in the story and analyzing it from every possible angle, I'll often help you notice what is happening inside you right now.

For example, maybe you tell me about an argument with your partner.

We could spend the next 40 minutes analyzing what your partner said, what you said, who was right, and what you think it all means.

Or we might pause and ask:

What happens inside you when you think about that argument?

Maybe you notice a tightness in your chest.

Maybe your stomach drops.

Maybe you suddenly feel angry.

Maybe there's an urge to shut down.

Maybe you hear a familiar thought: They don't really care about me.

That's where we can begin.

Rather than continuing to analyze the argument, we can become curious about the part of you experiencing that reaction.

Where do you notice it in your body?

What do you sense from this part?

What does it want you to know?

What is it trying to protect you from?

This is the kind of inward attention that can allow therapy to move beyond intellectual understanding and into something you can actually experience.

You Don't Have to Visualize Your Parts

Some people naturally experience their parts as images, characters, ages, voices, sensations, or even physical locations in their bodies.

Other people don't.

You don't have to have a vivid internal visual world to do IFS therapy.

You might simply notice a feeling.

Or a thought.

Or an urge.

Or a familiar pattern that shows up over and over again.

You might say, "There's this part of me that really wants to cancel the date."

That's enough to start.

We're not trying to force your experience into a particular format. The point is to develop a better relationship with your internal experience, not to perform IFS "correctly."

What About Self?

Another important part of the IFS model is something called Self.

Self isn't another part of you that you have to find.

In IFS, Self refers to a state characterized by qualities like curiosity, compassion, calm, clarity, confidence, and connection.

When we're completely overwhelmed by a part, it can be difficult to access those qualities.

That's where slowing down can help.

Instead of immediately reacting to a part, we can get curious about it.

We might notice that you're frustrated with your anxious part, for example. Rather than trying to force the anxiety away, we can become curious about the frustration itself.

What happens if we approach that anxious part with a little less judgment?

What might change if you could understand why it is there?

The goal isn't to make yourself feel calm on command. It's to develop a different relationship with your internal experiences.

We May Talk About the Past—But You Don't Have to Remember Everything

IFS can be especially helpful when we're working with trauma because protective parts often developed in response to experiences that felt overwhelming, unsafe, or painful.

Sometimes understanding a part means eventually exploring where it learned that it needed to protect you.

But that doesn't mean you have to sit down in your first session and tell me your entire trauma history.

You don't have to remember everything.

You don't have to have a perfectly organized timeline of your childhood.

And you don't have to force yourself to revisit something before you're ready.

In trauma therapy, pacing matters.

Sometimes the most useful place to start is simply noticing what happens in the present: the reaction, the emotion, the relationship pattern, the shutdown, the anxiety, the shame.

From there, we can become curious about what that experience is connected to.

What Does the Therapist Actually Do?

As an IFS therapist, I'm not sitting there waiting for you to magically discover your parts.

My role is to help you slow things down, notice what's happening internally, ask questions, and create enough safety for you to become curious about your own experience.

I may help you notice when a part seems to be taking over.

I may ask what a part is afraid would happen if it didn't do its job.

I may help you separate from a part enough to approach it with curiosity rather than judgment.

And sometimes I'll point out patterns that I notice.

But I'm not the expert on your internal system.

You are.

You know your experience better than I do.

My job is to help you get curious about it.

IFS Therapy Doesn't Have to Look the Same Every Week

Some sessions may be more focused on a particular part or internal experience.

Other sessions may involve processing something that happened in your relationship, exploring a sexual concern, or figuring out what you want to do about a difficult situation.

But even when we're talking about something happening in your life, I may keep bringing us back to what's happening inside you.

What are you noticing?

What are you feeling?

Where do you feel that in your body?

Is there a part of you that feels differently?

What happens when you listen to that part?

Because the goal isn't simply to become better at talking about yourself.

It's to become better at listening to yourself.

And sometimes the answers that emerge when we slow down and listen inwardly are very different from the answers we come up with when we're trying to think our way through everything.

What Happens Over Time?

As you become more familiar with your parts, you may start noticing them outside of therapy.

You might catch yourself thinking:

"Oh. That's the part of me that expects people to leave."

Or:

"My inner critic is really loud today."

Or:

"A part of me is terrified of being rejected, and that's why I suddenly want to end this relationship."

That awareness can create a little more choice.

Instead of automatically reacting to an emotion or behavior, you may have more ability to pause and ask what's happening underneath it.

And you may begin to recognize that your internal system has been communicating with you all along.

Over time, the goal isn't to never feel anxious, jealous, angry, ashamed, or afraid again.

It's to have a different relationship with those experiences.

You can learn to listen to the parts of you that are trying to protect you without letting them run your entire life.

Who Might Benefit From IFS Therapy?

IFS can be helpful for people who feel stuck in patterns they understand intellectually but can't seem to change.

It can be particularly useful when you're experiencing things like:

• Anxiety or chronic worry

• A harsh inner critic

• Shame or low self-worth

• Trauma or difficult past experiences

• Relationship patterns that keep repeating

• Fear of abandonment or rejection

• Difficulty trusting others

• Emotional overwhelm or shutdown

• Sexual shame or complicated feelings about sex

• Jealousy in relationships

• Difficulty understanding conflicting feelings or desires

• Feeling disconnected from yourself

And you don't need to have a specific diagnosis or a particular kind of trauma to explore IFS.

Sometimes you simply want to understand yourself better.

You Don't Have to Know How to Do IFS Before Starting IFS Therapy

If you've been reading about IFS and thinking, "This sounds interesting, but I have absolutely no idea how I would do that," you're not alone.

That's okay.

You don't need to know what your parts are.

You don't need to know what your exiles or protectors are.

You don't need to be good at meditation or visualization.

You don't need to remember every detail of your childhood.

And you definitely don't need to show up to therapy already knowing how to talk to your parts.

That's what therapy is for.

We can start with what's happening for you right now and get curious from there.

For me, one of the most valuable things about IFS is that it offers a way to understand yourself without treating the parts of you that struggle as problems that need to be fixed.

Sometimes the part that seems like the problem is actually the part that's been working the hardest to keep you safe.

And you might be surprised by what happens when, instead of fighting that part, you get curious about it.

Interested in Trying IFS Therapy?

I use IFS and parts work throughout my work with clients, particularly when working with trauma, relationships, sexuality, shame, and other experiences where old protective patterns can show up.

You don't have to know exactly what you need before starting therapy.

We can figure that out together.

If you're looking for an IFS therapist in San Diego or online in California, Oregon, or Florida, you can learn more about my approach to trauma therapy and IFS here.