How IFS Therapy Can Help You Understand Your Inner Critic

Almost all of us have an inner critic.

You know the voice.

"I should have done better."

"Why did I say that?"

"Everyone else seems to have it figured out."

"I'm being too sensitive."

"I should be over this by now."

"What is wrong with me?"

Sometimes the inner critic is loud and obvious. Other times, it is much more subtle. It might show up as perfectionism, constantly second-guessing yourself, comparing yourself to other people, or feeling like you need to do more before you're allowed to feel good about yourself.

If you've spent a lot of time trying to quiet, stop, or "get rid of" your inner critic, Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a different way of approaching it.

Instead of asking, "How do I make this critical voice go away?" we can become curious about it.

What if the inner critic is actually a part of you that is trying to protect you?

What Is the Inner Critic?

From an IFS perspective, we can think about the inner critic as a part of you rather than something that defines who you are.

You may have a part that is highly critical of your appearance.

Another part that worries constantly about whether people like you.

Another part that tells you that you aren't successful enough.

Another part that becomes especially critical after you've made a mistake.

These parts can feel incredibly convincing when they're activated. You may not experience them as a separate "part" at all. It can simply feel like the truth.

"I'm not good enough."

"I messed everything up."

"I should have known better."

IFS gives us an opportunity to create a little space between you and the part of you that is delivering those messages.

Instead of:

"I am a failure."

we might begin to notice:

"A part of me is afraid that I failed."

That distinction can be surprisingly powerful.

We Don't Have to Get Rid of the Inner Critic

One of the things I appreciate most about IFS is that it doesn't ask us to wage war against the parts of ourselves we don't like.

If your inner critic has been making your life miserable, you might understandably want it to shut up.

But IFS asks us to approach that critical part with curiosity rather than judgment.

We don't have to get rid of the inner critic. We can get to know it.

We can ask:

What are you trying to do for me?

What are you afraid would happen if you stopped criticizing me?

What are you trying to protect me from?

When did you learn that I needed this kind of protection?

Because underneath criticism, there is often something much more vulnerable.

What Is Your Inner Critic Protecting You From?

Sometimes a critical part believes that being hard on you will keep you safe.

It may have learned something like:

"If I criticize myself first, other people can't hurt me as much."

Or:

"If I make sure I never make a mistake, I'll never be rejected."

Or:

"If I keep pushing myself, I'll eventually become good enough."

Or even:

"If I don't let myself get too confident, I won't be disappointed."

The criticism may be unpleasant, but from the perspective of that part, it may serve an important purpose.

It might believe that if it stops criticizing you, something worse will happen.

Maybe you'll fail.

Maybe someone will reject you.

Maybe you'll be embarrassed.

Maybe you'll be abandoned.

Maybe you'll become complacent and stop striving.

Maybe you'll make yourself vulnerable and get hurt.

The inner critic may not actually be trying to make you miserable. It may be trying, in the only way it knows how, to keep you safe.

That doesn't mean we have to agree with everything it says.

It means we can become curious about why it believes its job is necessary.

Sometimes Our Most Critical Parts Learned Their Jobs Very Young

Our parts often develop in response to our experiences.

Maybe you grew up receiving a lot of criticism.

Maybe you learned that praise or approval came when you performed well.

Maybe you were expected to be responsible, mature, or "good."

Maybe you experienced rejection or bullying.

Maybe you learned that making mistakes wasn't safe.

Maybe you were compared to other people.

Maybe you experienced trauma or relationships where you felt like you had to constantly monitor yourself.

Over time, a part may have learned:

"We need to be better."

"We need to be careful."

"Don't embarrass yourself."

"Don't let people see that you're struggling."

"If we can identify the problem before anyone else does, maybe we can prevent getting hurt."

That part may continue doing its job long after the original circumstances have changed.

And sometimes, it doesn't realize that you're an adult now.

The Inner Critic Can Become a Full-Time Job

One of the things I often see is that people become so accustomed to their inner critic that they don't even recognize how much energy it takes.

You're constantly monitoring yourself.

How you look.

How you sound.

How you are perceived.

Whether you said the right thing.

Whether you're being productive enough.

Whether you're being a good partner, friend, parent, employee, or person.

And when you finally accomplish something, the critical part may immediately move the goalpost.

"Okay, but you could have done it better."

"That's not enough."

"You should be further along by now."

It can be exhausting.

And when we try to respond by criticizing ourselves for being self-critical, we can end up creating another layer of the same pattern.

"Why can't I just stop being so hard on myself?"

"I'm doing therapy wrong."

"I should be better at this by now."

Suddenly, your inner critic is criticizing your inner critic.

IFS gives us another option.

We can slow down.

You Can Have Compassion for a Part Without Letting It Run Your Life

This is an important distinction.

Understanding your inner critic doesn't mean allowing it to make every decision for you.

You can appreciate that a part is trying to protect you while also recognizing that its strategies may no longer be necessary or helpful.

Think about a smoke alarm that became extremely sensitive after experiencing a fire.

Its job is to protect you.

But if it starts going off every time you make toast, the answer probably isn't to smash the smoke alarm.

We want to understand why it's so sensitive and help it learn when it actually needs to sound the alarm.

Your protective parts can be similar.

We can appreciate what they've tried to do for us without asking them to continue doing it in the exact same way.

What If You Didn't Have to Believe Everything Your Inner Critic Says?

One of the goals of parts work isn't necessarily to replace every negative thought with a positive one.

Instead, we can develop enough distance and curiosity that we don't automatically believe every message a critical part gives us.

A part might say:

"You're not good enough."

And instead of immediately believing it—or fighting with it—you might be able to respond:

"I hear that you're worried I'm not good enough. What are you afraid would happen if I wasn't perfect?"

That's a very different relationship with yourself.

You're listening without surrendering your entire sense of self to that part.

You Are More Than Your Inner Critic

Your inner critic is a part of you.

It isn't all of you.

There are likely other parts of you, too—the part that is playful, compassionate, curious, confident, creative, loving, sexual, adventurous, thoughtful, or resilient.

IFS gives us a framework for getting to know all of these different parts and understanding how they interact.

And sometimes, the parts we have spent years trying to silence are the very parts that need the most compassion.

You don't have to hate your inner critic in order to change your relationship with it.

You can become curious about it.

You can learn what it's protecting.

You can understand where it came from.

And, over time, you may be able to help that part trust that it doesn't have to work quite so hard to keep you safe.

Interested in Exploring IFS?

If you're curious about IFS therapy or parts work, you don't need to come into therapy already knowing how IFS works—or even knowing which "part" you're struggling with.

We can start wherever you are.

Together, we can become curious about the patterns, emotions, and protective responses that are showing up for you and explore what may be underneath them.

If you'd like support exploring IFS, trauma, relationships, sexuality, or the ways these experiences overlap, feel free to reach out to me here to learn more about working together.